"Wanderlust consumed her; foreign hearts and exotic minds compelled her.

She had a gypsy soul and a vibrant hope for the unknown. "

- D. Marie

TINDER: What not to do.

TINDER: What not to do.

Tinder- everybody’s guilty little pleasure. Those that are single can’t seem to log off and those in relationships hover over it together just for the LOL’s (or are blissfully unaware what all this “swiping” is about!)

The latest craze in dating apps seems to have exploded onto our smartphones whilst I was cooped up in the Big Brother house however I have made it my mission to become familiar with the dating app’s ins and outs since being released back into the wild. 

After all, what kind of social media expert would I be if I wasn’t on Tinder? (Answer: a lonely one.)

Here in Australia, Tinder has more than 5 per cent of the population logging on and a user base that’s growing by nearly 1 per cent per day- kind of crazy when you think about it. 

Out of that 5%- I can tell I’ve probably swiped left (aka. declined to engage with) well over half. (Who am I kidding, unless you’re a fan of Princess Bride on Facebook, we’re never going to get a ‘match’.)

In fact, it quickly became very obvious that are more than a few very obvious 'Don'ts’ when it comes to carefully crafting your Tinder profile. More surprisingly, it appeared as if nobody was learning from other’s mistakes and were instead repeating the off-putting social faux pas. 

So, without further adieu I give you my personal Tinder 'Dont’s.

(NB: I’ve stuck to male profiles for the purpose of this article however let me tell you- I’ve already started my list of female 'don'ts for a whole second article. Ahh the beauty of bisexuality…)

- Here’s a bit of a hot tip for you: women tend to have a soft spot for animals. I mean, what kind of psychopath doesn’t? It’s therefore pretty safe to assume a photo of you with drugged up safari animals staring blankly into the camera isn’t going to get her all hot and heavy. ONE photo of you with your family dog will suffice. More than one and you look a little creepy.

- Group shots = an immediate swipe left. If you think I’m going to take the time to try figuring out which particular dude in the white fedora, standing VB in hand at Randwick Racecourse you are, you are sadly mistaken. Take your cyan shirts, bad sunnies and leave. 

- Your only photos are those with other women in them. You might be thinking “Hey, look how hot my female friends are. I MUST be a decent/hot/smart/wealthy guy!” What we’re actually thinking is “Is that his girlfriend? Or an ex? Either way- can’t be bothered.”

- You’re holding a gun. This should be self explanatory. Big gun does not equal big man. In fact this old favourite comes into mind.

- You’re topless. You’re also a douchebag.

- You tell us your life story via your Tinder bio. Women love a bit of mystery, we don’t need to know that you’re gluten intolerant or that you prefer summer to winter. Besides, if you tell us everything there is to know then what are we supposed to talk about if we match? 

- You don’t bother with the banter. If you are lucky enough to 'match’ with us, shooting through a “Hey” isn’t going to inspire much of a response. If any at all. Keep it short and sweet but make it witty.. You’ll get extra points for making us laugh or using whatever info you’ve gathered on us from our profile photos/mutual Facebook 'Likes’ in a clever but not stalkerish way. For example: “Our mutual 'Like’ of Brown Cardigan was the clincher for my right swipe." 

- Don’t harass us. If we haven’t responded to your first text, chances are you were an accidental swipe right and I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but we’re probably not going to respond to your fourth and fifth "Hello?????!!!!!11111”

- You’ve got your dick out. Put that away and go wash your hands. 

So there you have it. Avoid the above few social media faux pas and you should be hearing the sweet tinkle of a 'match’ in no time.

Happy Tindering!

The Reality of Reality TV

The Reality of Reality TV

Tully Lovin’ - Volume 2

Tully Lovin’ - Volume 2